Sep
10
This is the Title of a Typical Race Report
Note: This was inspired by This is the title of a typical incendiary blog post. I encourage you to read it, one of my favorite blog posts ever. Special thanks to Chris Clarke.
This is an obvious statement that the author recently ran in the race identified in the title of the blog post. This sentence states the date, time, and location of the race. This sentence demonstrates either the novelty of the event or the experience of the author by stating how many times the author has run this distance.
This sentence describes the nocturnal expeditions of the author. This sentence details the author’s dietary and fluidic selections the morning of the race. This sentence expresses regret at said dietary selections. This sentence details the mode of transportation to the starting area. This sentence details the author’s experiences relieving the body of waste material, expressing particular surprise at the number of others also feeling the need to relieve themselves. This sentence points out the obvious fact that, at some point, the author found the author’s way to the starting line. This statement identifies other runners who the author knows and saw at the starting area, regardless of whether the other runners actually acknowledged the presence of said author.
Obligatory picture of the author in the race. Pain and suffering optional.
This sentence describes the climatic conditions at the start of the race, closing with the obvious fact that temperatures do increase during the morning. This sentence states that the conditions were perfect for racing, regardless of the actual conditions. This sentence points out that, despite the perfection of the conditions, the author was “shivering” in the starting area. This sentence states that entertainment was provided at the starting area, but the author was “too focused” to recall exactly what type of entertainment it was.
This sentence describes the countdown to the start of the race. This sentence simply states, “We were off!” This sentence describes how the author was jostled about a bit at the start. This sentence states that, despite the jostling, the author still went out too fast, but not as fast as those “kids” in front of the author. This statement expresses amazement and concern at the first mile split, and states that the author committed to the author’s self that the author would slow down.
This sentence belies the fact that the author wished to slow down by stating the next several miles splits, stating they were “much faster than planned.” This sentence states that, in spite of the fast start, the author was still feeling strong. This statement expresses hope that, despite the author’s deep knowledge of self, the author felt that perhaps this time would be different, and they could maintain said too-fast pace.
This sentence describes some experience of grabbing hydration at a station designed for such purpose. This sentence states that the author was still feeling strong. This statement describes some memorable fans or scenery from the first half of the race. This sentence provides the split at the halfway point of the race, and again notes that it is “too fast”. This sentence states that the author was starting to feel it, and foreshadows the eventual and inevitable “hitting the wall.”
This sentence describes how another runner passed the author at this point, but the reader gets the sense that the author will have vengeance. (This sentence should have mentioned the ten other runners that the author passed earlier who have now passed the author, and who will not be seen again; this sentence is, unfortunately, typically omitted quite intentionally.) This sentence portrays a continued downward spiral of split times as the author describes feelings of increased pain or discomfort of the lungs/legs/stomach/feet or occasional random body part. This sentence blames the hills and / or weather conditions and / or aid station gel selections for the author’s predicament.
This sentence portends a shift in mood, where the rousing cheers of a random group of race viewers inspire the author. This sentence describes how the author “dug deep” to find “inner reserves of strength” to try to finish the race strong. This sentence details a slight improvement in splits. This sentence mentions the yells of support from a loved one / friend / random online friend as the finish line approaches.
This sentence signals a transition in focus to catching the aforementioned runner. This sentence sets the baseline on how far the author is behind said runner at this point. This sentence dramatically builds towards an eventual successful conclusion by “ticking off” the distance as it is closed in parallel with the distance remaining in the race. This sentence states “the finish line was in sight.” This sentence creates the climax whereby the author pulls even with the runner in question. This sentence jubilantly proclaims victory over the now-vanquished opponent. (This sentence should have mentioned the two other runners who passed the author and his “opponent of choice” in the last 100 yards, but the author conveniently forgets to include it). This sentence provides some reconciliation between the author and his chosen adversary via a handshake (if they are men) or hug (if they are both women) (side note – if it is a female author passing a male opponent in the final 100 yards, no such reconciliation is made and this sentence is omitted).
Optional picture of race medal. Showing the author wearing the medal is optional but preferred.
This sentence states where the author finished in rank by overall, sex, age group, and shoe size. This sentence places the performance in historical context through the use of a device known as the “PR”. This sentence expresses that the author thinks they could have done better. This sentence completely reveres the prior sentence by stating the author is “satisfied with the result.”
This sentence states how well organized the race was. This sentence indicates the author looks forward to doing the race again. This sentence thanks spouse / family / friends / online contacts for their support, preferably in that order. This sentence wishes the reader happiness and success in their own upcoming races.
Photo credit: Finishing a Thanksgiving Race by Flickr user Scott Brenner, and IMG_0469 by Flickr user jenisrunning, used under a Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 license.
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